Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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