Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
handjob tips. give me some.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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