you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize