I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
