it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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