you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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