I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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