i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
