I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i dont even know how to be here
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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