I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize