I didn't shave. On purpose
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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