The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
