I just pynch a tree in the face
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
