Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
