Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
