i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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