im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
