Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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