I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
