I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
