Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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