He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed