I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
