God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
