Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.