I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
