He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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