i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
