yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
