im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
