My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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