At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
