I'm lost and stupid without you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
