got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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