My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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