just tell him i said nine months
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
