so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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