remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
