allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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