Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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