Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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