He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
