He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
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This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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