So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
