god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
