smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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