I met the friendliest cop last night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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