She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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