I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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