Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
