You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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