i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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