We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
