Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
