i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
