i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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