I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
